THE HEAVY DEBTS I have to settle for the past six months make me a broke. I do not go to spa anymore. It’s been a while that I have not visited a spa house for a foot pampering. I haven’t gone to Sentara for six months now to have my favorite Royal Massage. It’s been long that I have not cooked and eaten spaghetti or any pasta for that matter. And I have been dreaming for so long to sip that Kiwi Fruit Shake since the summer started. Worst is, my nails have not been pedicured by Manang Ailyn, our home service manicurist, for three weeks now! And my nails look awful and the in-grown makes my toes hurt! Yes, I am not financially free. But that is not all this is about. This entry is more than my qualms about what life has given me for the past months. I will tell you in the next parts.
This situation teaches me a lot of lessons.
First, it teaches me to be resourceful. Literally, I am speaking about broke as in broke like having only less than a hundred to survive a week. Imagine that! Living in cities like Cagayan de Oro, 100 pesos will not even be enough to feed a hobo for a week, all the more me.
So, I have to lend some money from friends (yes, plural). I have no choice. I feel I have none at first but I realized something later. Though, I am always thankful to Him-up-there for their presence. They must be God-sent, or, I mean, their compassion must be.
Going back to ingenuity, this cash-scarce situation I am in forces me to devise ways to earn that little cash I need to survive the day till the (much-awaited) pay day comes. One morning, I wake up gloomy with the fact that I have nothing to eat for the day. I even wish that instance that the fairy god fag grandma comes to fill my ref with food and lots of foods. Yes, and in a moment I recall the yarn of the Little Match Girl I read way back from grade school. That poor girl dreams of food while treading the snow-clad streets to sell some matches so that she and her sick granny will have something to eat for the Christmas Eve.
I am inspired by the Little Match Girl’s determination. I pull my ass out from the bed and go to the kitchen. Then, I see the empty big water containers from a Water Refilling Station. I say to myself, these have been here since I moved in two years ago and they are idle and useless. A former occupant of my unit must have left it. I have to trace the address of the station. Returning the containers means claiming the 100 pesos deposit. Wow! I say this is unmistakably God’s grace. The hundred pesos help me survive that day.
Such amount of money forces one to veer away from posh restos. So, I have to scout for some affordable but not cheap food stores (carenderia). I find one near the shawarma stall in Divisoria. I am able to order a Binagoongang Baboy (Pork in Shrimp Paste) and two cups of rice for only less than P 30. Such is a fulfilling meal already for a broke gay like me.
But, the 100 is not all to be spent for food. I need coffee to start my day. I need to shampoo my hair and some other daily essentials that I have to buy. The 100 is gone in a flash. I go to bed worrying again for the next day. (By the way, please do not wonder why I sound like I do not go to work on these days because I really did not. I am on a five-day leave for my medical check-ups.) This among many worries triggers the insomniac in me.
On another morning, (my new morning is 3 pm, and I find this good way to skip the meals and the fret), I wake up realizing that I only have some few bread in the ref. I eat them all and drink some cold water. I am ready for the day. I go to my derma for a check up (I will tell you later in another entry about this hair and scalp check-up). But the same sad cycle of lending money have occurred later that day.
Another morning, I am inspired. The grit of that Little Match Girl visits me again. I see the buyer of empty bottles and other seemingly useless stuffs pass by our place. I call him over to sell the bottles I find at the rear of our apartment. They lay idle and useless there near my laundry and halayanan (place where you hang to dry the washed clothes). I earn 39 pesos for the trash I have sold. The aphorism is true: there is money in the garbage. I tell the scrap buyer to make it 40 pesos instead; he wills my request without batting an eyelash. And I say this is another work of the Merciful and certainly not the fag fairy!
In kidding mode, I say to the man: how about body and soul? Do you buy them as well? We burst into laughter and he say: they cannot be kilo-ed. Well, that’s really something philosophical and sensible. But truly, had he been able to afford me, I would have sold them (laughing out loud). But I think about it, only if my body (oh, well, I am sexy and desirable I believe) can be sold, I would, just to survive. No, I am just kidding!
So, you see. Poverty, in general or simply the paucity of money is such a strong element. It makes, or rather forces a person to think, move, and scheme ways. The most important thing though, I think, is that one should be able to survive the situation without doing anything ill to others.
Second, it teaches me to appreciate and be thankful for the little things I have. When money is many, the minute things are to me invisible. I am thankless by the presence of soy sauce and oil. But these save me from starving. The soy sauce and edible oil when mixed can become very tasty as a viand. I see many other little, petty and seemingly insignificant things and appreciate more their presence in my life during these trying times. The value of money becomes very clear to me as well.
Thirdly, this situation teaches me to shun away from the unnecessary act of money owing. Lending money makes one become more financially flop. I have proven it myself. Sometimes also, debt when not paid on time can sever friendships (except of course institutional ones like Banks and Loan facilities as they are impersonal). Money borrowing and delay of paying it can really break relationships. Perhaps, my derma is right. I should slice my Visa (credit card) into two. I have been told to by Mom, but I would not listen. This is the karma.
Lastly, it teaches me to be more prayerful. In one of my essays, I state that God have a seasonal popularity. In this modern world, God, to the contemporary person is “dispensable and superfluous” (from Can A Truly Contemporary Person Not Be An Atheist? of John A.T. Robinson). Truly, I realize the legitimacy of this perception at the onset of my financial troubles. I realize that God becomes God when (in most times) I am problematic, sad and down. And it hurts to realize this. But this is true in my case. And I pray. I pray. I pray more for enlightenment. I pray for more understanding. I pray for truth that I may see the purpose of my current situation to my life.
On a different light, I see my problems as the opportunity to be united with Him. It is not though that I like to be problematic all the time. I do not like all of these. But, seeing and being reminded of Him, is one nice thing about having problems.
But, no worries guys, I will get out of this. Soon you will see me cheerful again. I hope that you do not get sad reading this because this is not meant to make the reader sad. I share this and my other life-stories because I want them to serve as a lesson to others so they may evade the same mistake I have made. I share this because I am simply happy when writing. I share this to express and release that certain pain and distress that need to be taken out from me.
More so, I am not writing, posting and broadcasting this to solicit monetary help or pity. This is for intellectual intensification purpose (both the writer and reader).
Like the title of Eric Berne’s book, I’m OK; you’re OK. Actually, I mean, I am okay if you are. Okay?
