Courtesy of Google Images, Men toiling in the road
Why do men tend to speak less than women?
By Denver Ejem Torres
IN THE FRIENDLY BENCHES along the Xavier University’s main entrance I remember those times when my girl friends and I chitchatted on everything—trends, fashion, latest cover girls, cosmetics, Prada, Gucci, Kidman, J.Lo and boys, men among others. Yes. Boys or men or males are practically the main dishes in gals and gays Roundtable. We talk about them in every detail of their existence. We constantly pose questions on why they are like this and that. And even talk trivialities like how disarming their smiles are. These discussions are so much of an excitement to us.
And among the many things we simply talk about is the what-appears-to-be a regional perception, if not national that men are laconic. They tend to speak like the old Spartans, terse. More pressingly, we should ask, is this perception true? If yes or agreeable, on what context or setting do they speak less?
In actuality, sad to say during those afternoons of chitchats the things I mention here are not tackled, maybe because they are too serious a talk for a siesta time of the day. But I was gung-ho about it and probed for satiating answers. Hopefully, my findings below will help us on answering our questions on men, particularly: why do men tend to speak less than women?
The validity and truthfulness of the said perception on men being the less talking gender can be answered through the concept of gender difference. Michael S. Kimmel, author of The Gendered Society said:
We can readily observe difference between women and men in rates of aggression, physical strength, math and verbal achievement, caring and nurturing, or emotional expressiveness; it is not also true that all males and no females are aggressive, physically strong and adept at Math and Science, or that all females and no males are caring and nurturing, verbally adept, or emotionally expressive.
Therefore, the said perception on men arises from the statistics or the number of men who speak less. The best questions that stem out are: how many men speak less? Do they outnumber the talkative men? But we are not here to address this statistical issue but instead just to explain some aspects of such perception common among us. (I hope you agree.)
Differences in men’s and women’s speech are overt and covert displays of gender.
Nancy Bonvillain, author of the book Women and Men Cultural Constructs of Gender said that. That line is supported by Kimmel who maintained that there is “differential socialization” thus we are not born different but raised or nurtured differently—masculinity and femininity.
But then again, Kimmel’s and Bonvillain’s ideas lead us to asking: Why so? Are they told to do so? Or is talking terse men’s biological construct.
Nay, men’s terse speech style is never biological; instead they are told to do so. The act of telling men to speak less may take place consciously or unconsciously, overtly or covertly. And most of the time the social practice to tell men not to be verbose will likely take place during their childhood. It happens first at home then outside. They learn it in other words.
Some cultures, like our own (referring to Western), encourage men to be stoic and to prove their masculinity.
Indeed same applies to the Filipino culture also, our culture encourages men to be masculine and among the supposed features of masculinity to Philippine culture is being less madaldal or not talking much. To Filipinos, the less you talk the more man you become.
That is how boys, men or males are raised. Hence, they adopt and act it out. Their practice of such a social requirement becomes a skill later on as they grow into adults said Ermin Stan Pimentel of XU Kristohanong Katilingban sa Pagpakabana-Social Involvement Program. He further said in an interview,
Filipino men are taught not to be talkative, not to be ostensive in talking.
It then implies that to compliment women being loquacious and vociferous men should be the otherwise. He illustrated this idea by citing the common classroom scenario in the Philippines.
In Philippine classrooms, especially in the elementary, a teacher would often scold the boy pupil if he talks profusely especially when his opinion or answers are not asked. The teacher would commonly say, “Juan you are like Juana you talk a lot.”
Taking this particular scene, the boy child experiences humiliation and this certain feeling of shame would push the child to avoid such circumstances again by keeping his wits within him. Thus, since a child is unable to reconcile the right and wrong according to Developmental Psychology, he follows this and makes this as correct, valid and acceptable. Pimentel also pointed out that in a way men are socially abused, in terms of linguistic freedom at least.
Nancy Bonvillain supports this idea and said in her book
Children learn what is appropriate by observation of adults and overt instructions and practice of skills they will assume as adult women and men. They learn whether man or woman have equal rights to speak…to make decision.
So, to know where this speaking-less attitude of men originates from can be traced from the familial practices that of course came from social customs. At home, in Filipino setup, men represented as fathers/heads of the family are silent and would leave the feuding siblings to mothers/women’s hands. He/Man wants his wife to talk to their children for them to stop their quarrellings. (Usually, when father interferes he does not talk, he spanks. This is later on imitated by the son.) On a more magnified discussion, such talking terse tradition is a generational legacy. And there is a continuum of this social custom so long as society permits.
Another scene where men display their being of few words is cited in Elizabeth Fishel’s book, The Men In Our Lives:
My father showed me his father’s picture as a young man, wanting me to remember him that way: dapper a debonair on a boardwalk in Atlantic City, flushed with possibilities had led where he hoped. A child of three, awed and puzzled by his silence, I circled round him and murmured to myself, “Not a word, not a word.”
This scene only proves that men do not necessarily employ words or many words to tell things and make a point. They have become effective and better when they stay quite, silent and of less words. Maybe to some degrees their being of few words is the reason why in the first place they are mysterious, at least to gays and girls.
In addition, men talking less can be explained by their economic roles.
Gender categorization may have begun in concert with an economic division of labor (Leibowitz, 1975, 1983).
Women represented by mothers belong to the world of home and fathers belong to the world of work. In a workplace, workers are expected to be productive and talking for no reason related to their work is considered a waste of time. Here, as Dr. Jane Gallamaso, former chair of the Philosophy Department, Xavier University would put it:
Men function in mathematical and objective ways. Therefore, they are concise and brief.
Moreover, men speak less because of cultural requirements and restraints. Bonvillain said, every culture has what we call social constructs of gender.
These (referring to the social constructs) are transmitted in daily interaction between men and women in their families, local communities and wider social arena. Rights to make decisions, to speak and to participate in activities are manifestations of cultural valuations allocated to people.
To put it straight, it just so happen that our culture (Filipino) designates men to be less talking.
Speech styles employed by women and men are also often distinct. These may consist of variations in pronunciations and choice of vocabulary or grammatical constructions. Features of non-verbal communication such as gesture, smiling, eye contact, and touch may be differentially employed.
Like in most cases, if men are confronted with the question, “How are you?” the common retort is “I’m fine.” He answers this way even if he necessarily is not fine. This only shows that men are unconsciously staying away from long and lengthy conversations. The “I’m okay” line is the best statement to put everything into conclusion. Or if he stays, he’ll just listen and replies with smiles and nods most of the time. On this note, this scene is actually relative.
It is imperative to believe then that men who speak less are just conformists to their respective social standards. And to maintain their social value, men practice it in almost every aspect of their existence (in conversation, relationship, work, school, and even in gimmicks/past times, on these times they drink and smoke whereas women on the other hand can spend hours and hours of pure talking).
NEXT TIME around when you encounter men, try to understand that they are skilled to be not talking much. So girls, if your beau does not talk a lot, don’t nag him and piss him off with your “you-are-not-interested-with-me-anymore” lines, because it is necessarily not. It is just how he talks, terse.
(This essay is a course requirement for English 61: Language in Culture at Xavier University-Ateneo de Cagayan under Arlene J. Yandug, an Associate Professor. Ms Yandug is a faculty member of the Department English Language & Literature-DELL and the newly installed Editor for the internationally distributed/known Kinaadman Journal.)
